It has been a rough couple of months for me physically and the pain has not abated, so what happened last night while I slept enraptured me when I woke up.
I had exquisite vision last night during a dream. I danced! Pirouettes! Extraordinarily vivid. I literally felt my feet touch the floor and relished each delicious step I took. I am still bathing in the freshness of it.
I have had dozens of dreams in which I am walking or dancing. Sublime and lovely.
I wonder if there exists a place in that vast beyond where I might hear the sweet words – “Might I have the pleasure of this dance?” and I will blissfully answer, “Oh, yes!” as I gracefully rise to my feet, take hold of his hand. and dance in the moonlight, upon oceans of feathery clouds, surrounded by millions of shimmering stars.
Living life, bedridden, how I ended up this way and how I cope
Categories: Prose, Reflections
Nancy Jean Walker - Loving Life Fully 
Often people label me as extremely “cocky” because I have opinions, comments and answers for literally everything. Well, be that as it may, I engage things: issues, concepts, ideas – and I don’t have much use for the clinical approach to “explaining” life because I’ve lived life. I give very little credence to what “experts” have to say because their expertise isn’t based on personal experience. When it comes to real life, most of them don’t know s**t!
You speak of dreaming, and dancing in your dream. There is a place called “the other side of sorrow” to which we can escape, where our mind can take us. How much of that place we give credence to is up to us. It is probably much the same place that we go to after we finally get rid of our cheap, frail, short-lived, limiting and debilitating bodies. I remember dreams where, accompanied by a Teacher, I danced on water – on the water of the River that runs back of here where I kayak in the summer time. I had always been afraid of water and I couldn’t swim but after that dream I quickly learned how to swim and enjoy the water I’d been canoeing and kayaking over all the years. It was amazing, although I haven’t (yet) got the “walking on water” trick.
Dreams aren’t just escapes though, they are also other aspects of life everyone should be able to access, sleeping or not, and enjoy, just like a lunch or coffee break, a weekend or a holiday. Dreams are also essential to discovering aspects of ourselves we would otherwise never get to know. I dream for discovery, enlightenment and possibilities. It is through dreaming that I finally came to understand that life is not limited to this span of short years on a small and beleaguered planet. Life is part of infinity and our spirit-minds are life. I access that expanded aspect of life in the dream time.
Glad to have connected with you here. I hope we’ll have lots to share. As time permits I’ll be reading through the rest of your blog, Nancy.
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Wow! I really enjoyed reading your comment. So beautifully put. Thank you for sharing this with me. I had to read it three times to fully digest it. I began exploring your blog today in fact. Being bedridden, it’s a blessing to connect with others via my blog. I look forward to getting to know you as well.
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Thanks Nancy. You know, some of the stuff you write and show here is so painful, I hesitated on following – sometimes I say to myself, “Do I need more kicks to the head?” “Do I need more information on man-made horrors I can do so little about?” And then I think, if hell exists then I’d better get acquainted with all of its aspects because “healing” cannot be accomplished unless we actually go into it, deliberately. I’m no longer a religious person but was brought up in different Christian beliefs. I remember a comment that when Jesus died, he went into hell, ostensibly to bring hope to those trapped there. Once we’ve beaten our own hell we are then empowered to help others still trapped there, unaware they have a way out. The beauty about life is, however hellish, there is always a way out – hell in the end is nothing more than a nightmare, however real it seems.
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I try to stirke a balance in what I share on my blog. I hope I am accomplishing that. I read recently (and I wish I could remember the exact quote) that we should not be afraid to dig deep within ourselves so that the pain can bleed out. (badly paraphrased) I never started out with the idea of writing a book at all. When I was fifty=eight I was suicidal due to all the years of trauma. Every time I open my eyes in the morning, the evidence of what I went through slaps me in the face. My deadened legs and broken body, all a result of sex traffickers, which has confined me to bed for the better part of ten years. A dear friend of mine suggested I “vomit” all my pain through the written word, which I did. Then, I began blogging on Blogger and sharing some of my story about five years ago. An editor who followed that blog suggested that I turn my cartharsis into a first person story, not only to empty the garbage trapped in my soul, but also, to help others. Hence, here I am on WordPress as suggested by my editor. Now that my memoir is completed, a healing began. Also, I poured myself into two websites on human trafficking awareness. One is http://www.slaveryshatterslives.com and the other is my Facebook page entitled Human Trafficking and Sexual Violence Awareness. I believe we each have a purpose on earth, but I definitely do not understand pain, suffering, wars, and why, if a creaor exists, (and I am a believer), why he allows such atrocities such as child trafficking.
This is exactly how I feel too “Once we’ve beaten our own hell we are then empowered to help others still trapped there, unaware they have a way out. The beauty about life is, however hellish, there is always a way out – hell in the end is nothing more than a nightmare, however real it seems.” You, my friend, are a warrior.
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I want to comment further on your comment above but I don’t want to bury you in long diatribes and it’s late in any case. Will touch on the God and suffering issue with you if you don’t mind. I have some ideas about all of that…
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I’m glad I found you on WordPress – it’s a big place – and that I get to share a bit of your story. I’ve only become aware that there are many hurting and shattered lives trying to cope; trying to express themselves; trying to touch those who can understand, here on WP blogs. Sometimes it feels like walking around a huge recovery ward. Lucky me, I’m one of those “resurrected” lives, healed through what I can only term miracles, but mostly through discovering the power of forgiving. I think that was my key out of hell: forgiveness without looking back to see if it “took” and taking it with me as a gift; one that keeps giving. That was probably the biggest miracle of all. We can’t go back; we can’t fix the world; we can’t prevent evil from flourishing (or so it seems) but I found out that all I needed was to keep myself out of evil’s path and yes, at every opportunity now equipped with tangible health, to help, to lend a hand, to be there for whomever so I can die knowing that I “beat” the system and gained self-esteem in the bargain. Another way to say it: I taught myself the “art” of compassion. I would not deny the “warrior” label – life has been an interesting and pain-filled walk during the first 30 dark years, then I got my break, however undeserved, so I decided it was payback time for what I was given: I would give it back to the world and never ask for anything. I’m amazed daily at how well that has all worked out. One of my Teachers once told me, “when none of it matters it will all be yours.” Took a long time to get that one, but I got it. If you’ve read the gospels you’ll hear an echo of the Jesus teachings in that line.
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Forgiveness is definitely the key to life. I never considered that I have not forgiven all those who hurt me along the way, which were many. In my memoir, I address this. If you search my blog for Louis Zamperini or Unbroken, I think you will appreciate how much watching that movie freed me forever. My friends call me a warrior as well, but if not for the strength and joy of the Lord, I would surely implode.
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Quote: “Perhaps forgiveness is the key. A new kind of healing has begun within me. I feel it. Maybe my nightmares will end also as Louie Zamperini’s did.”
We understand so little about the power of passive energies, particularly the power of forgiveness and compassion – I don’t think you can experience one without the other – to change the lives of those who exercise them. When I first encountered “the Teachers” – after they took care of me following a suicide attempt or somewhere in that murky memory, one of them, El Issa, questioned me about a recurring nightmare I’d have since I could remember: that of a young woman chained to a cement wall, stripped naked and being abused in various ways be three men in SS uniforms. I hadn’t thought much about past lives then but she explained to me that the woman was myself, in my previous life, that I had been taken prisoner by the Gestapo and was interrogated under torture as a member of the French Resistance movement. The woman whose name was Helene Matthieu died after a year of torture in July, 1943, in Paris. Having learned this, El Issa asked if I wanted to be rid of the nightmare. I did, and she arranged for me to meet with my three principal torturers – there are places where “time” flows differently than in this Matrix. When I saw them I felt nothing but revulsion. I wanted nothing to do with them, I just wanted to forget. “There is no forgetting: that’s not how it works. If you would move forward in understanding, you must engage this. You must forgive them, genuinely forgive them and set them free of everything.” Took some time, but eventually I saw the wisdom; the truth of it. I met these men – they recognized me as if we were there, then – and we spoke, we hugged, we shed a lot of tears and we freed each other of the “karma” if you will. That was the game changer. I’ll tell you, if you want, about the next challenge this Teacher gave me – another game changer.
So, yes, whether in the past, or in this life, forgiveness is the first key to the first door to enlightenment. There are many, many more after that. More than any religious teachings, the “lessons” showed me that our life exists on an infinite plane; that our bodies are temporary abodes which we take on, discard and take on again, like hermit crabs discarding their old borrowed shells and finding new more suitable ones. What matters is how we use our minds and how we connect to spirit energy.
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Interesting point of view. I never thought much about previous lives. This life is confusing enough for me, with all the suffering and pain that goes on in the world. I’d like to learn more about this.
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Hi Nancy, this thing about past/future lives interests you? We could talk about it. On blog, or privately? As you may have read my blog was originally set up to post “thoughts from the other side” meaning, outside the pale of everyday Matrix offerings. I’ve been so busy commenting and re-blogging not to mention that I have a life as well 🙂 that my own thoughts have sort of taken a back seat on the blog. Have to remedy that soon. So let me know how you want to share that past life information stuff. It shouldn’t take many posts: it’s not that complex.
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O so sorry! I just saw this. Still getting the hang of comment threads. I don’t know anything at all about past lives. I always wonder about the foundation of philosophies. How did you come to this way of thinking? I’m so curious about all points of views because I believe we all have something to offer one another.
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How does anyone come to any point of view? We can be “brainwashed” in an educational or religious environment, or something triggers the mind, and the mind goes searching. Some of us are hungry creatures of mind, seeking to discover things not normally seen, or deliberately kept hidden from us. Some of us have little hesitation in yelling “bullshit” to grandstanding types and are not affected by titles or popularity. I’ve met a great deal of “educated” types who made a great show of looking down on my “imagination” and stories. Of course it’s not because they know it’s not true but because my definite statements about what I know upsets their carefully balanced apple cart. I was at a meeting of “smart guys” as guest speaker last night and the same thing happened. I had to smile at one guy who was upset at my direct statements about visions, having spirit type Teachers and quoting from past lives. He was actually angry!
So that’s why I always qualify my comments with “trigger warnings” and clearly state that these are my experiences, not applicable to anyone else unless they chose to engage it. But my experiences remain a clear and present threat to the official types, particularly the religious and the Darwinist evolutionist. It’s good to remember that only a few hundred years ago my “stories” would have gotten me burned alive as a witch by any number of Christian sects. And as we speak, they would get me stoned to death in most Muslim theocracies. The Matrix is jealous of its power and that power is totally dependent on people believing in what it offers as being all there is, all there can be, of what constitutes life.
The greatest threat to the Matrix are people who lose their fear of death, and awareness such as mine invariable leads there. If I can remember even one past life, or chapters of it, and become convinced that what I am “seeing” is real, what does that do to the great big black hole of death, or the control that gods exercise over their one-life-only-after-that-the-judgment brainwash? It throws it off the rails and they lose their power to control. And that’s what it’s all about: control. How is control accomplished, apart from endless brainwashing? Through the pain/pleasure principle. If an individual is “stuck” in a “pain amplifying device” – a disease such as yours, cancer, spinal debilitation (as I was in) or such, the Matrix will offer solace of sorts, at a price, of course. It won’t give you a cure because it’s got you where it wants you, but it will offer bits and pieces of reprieve through drugs, technology, whatever. It will, in other words, offer you selected moments of pleasure. Conversely, a pleasure seeker will, sooner or later, encounter some nemesis: the pleasure will turn to pain. Accident, disease, loss of reputation, job, money, family. Then the Matrix will offer remedies, all carefully doled out and controlled. It’s a vicious cycle deliberately maintained. That I’ve experienced, studied, observed in others.
So in my mind I’ve been seeking solutions, or rather a way out of the whole bullshit scenario. And, speaking only for myself, I found that way out. It lies in believing all things and believing IN NOTHING. You see, the ultimate trap is the belief system, and it does not matter which one is chosen, or forced upon. People vote, for example. That’s a belief system. That is makes absolutely no difference is completely ignored. Earthians prefer to live in comfortable denial. People go to church, temple, mosque, to worship invisible sky wizards represented by execrable leadership and they don’t get it because they believe. They need to believe: its a drug. People believe in vaccines and various Matrix-induced and controlled mechanisms to purportedly ease the burden of sickness and dysfunction that hounds Earthianity. Nothing changes, or if something does change in one place, something else even worse erupts somewhere else, but that’s ignored: the belief? It’s not “connected” or it’s a coincidence.
We speak of the interconnectedness of life. We should also be looking at the global interconnectedness of evil. Evil is real, too real, and it doesn’t exist alone. Your torturers wrought their evil upon you, their victim, by permission of the Matrix. Just like so-called terrorists, they are needed to sow fear, hatred and to drive the need to be avenged in some way or other. But behind all of that are the movers and shakers who profit from your agony, and that of millions of other victims, mostly women, mothers and they young children.
I could go on, but this is my “trigger warning” to you about what I’ve engaged all of my life. If you still want to go ahead, I’ll get down to “stories” and specifics in follow-up comments. Take care o’ you, Nancy.
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Sorry for the late reply. My husband, who has cancer, was in the hospital. This was quite a bit to digest. It’s impressive when I meet someone who uses their critical thinking skills. I am a seeker. I believe what I believe based on personal experiences that have happened to me along life’s way, including nine near death experiences. Short, long stories, but very real to me. As time permits, I will share with you or perhaps I will write a blog post, which in responding to you, has inspired me to do so. Please keep in touch. I enjoy gleaning from you.
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