Dealing with Disability

Post #27 – Feeling Antsy, Aching for Freedom

depressed woman 1

Lying here trying to will my legs to move. Arguing with them is futile. They refuse to obey me. I’m Krazy-glued to my bed.

It makes me antsy. I want to jump out of this bed. I wish to feel my foot on the gas pedal of a car, dive into the cool waters of our pool on a steamy day, or walk together with loved ones through a park.

More than anything I long to dance – Dancing was my oxygen. I was slowly forgetting how to breathe.

Hardly a night goes by that I don’t have vivid dreams or nightmares. In each one, I am walking, running, or dancing. When jolted awake, I forget about my dead legs and try to get up.

It always comes as a shock that:

#1 – I woke up.
I always hope that when I open my eyes I’d be in Heaven. Released from the fetters of suffering.
However, reality slaps me in the face again because . . .
#2 – I’m still paralyzed and stuck in a bed.

I sometimes feel like a spectator of my life watching a child clawing her way out of a strange old woman’s broken body, wondering how she wound up there and shed tears for the little girl lost. Then, I recognize her. She’s me.

me at six years

But, it’s OK. In my heart, I believe that one day I’ll be dancing somewhere far, far away from Earth in fields of glorious wildflowers. For now, releasing all my frustrations, hurts, questions, doubts, and triumphs by tapping my fingers on my laptop keyboard will have to do.


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