There is nothing unusual today. Nothing has changed – no improvement in my health. However, I suppose if “Limbo” exists this must be what it feels like – Novocain for the mind. I have this uncanny ability to remove myself from unpleasant situations; or maybe it is God who lifts me out. Who knows?
It is not so much the surgery I dread. After all, I will be asleep and nothing will matter to me at that point. Life and death blend into one ethereal dream.
The aftermath terrifies me. The surgeons stop my neuropathy and anti-spasm medications, all of which cause hallucinations and withdrawal symptoms.
In August 2009, after the sixth surgery in my lifetime, (and the first of fifteen more unforeseen emergency operations), I laid in a delusional state for nearly five days. When I opened my eyes to reality, I saw my family surrounding my bed, fearing I was going to die.
I vividly recall every moment I was “gone,” and it haunts me to this day. In April of 2010, I had another emergency surgery and the same delusions afterwards. Only this time I was aware I was delusional and could do nothing to stop the nightmare.
Then there was the surgery in July 2011. The same awful delusions tried to hold me prisoner. My awareness was more acute that time. A close friend “chatted” with me on Yahoo messenger. As the walls turned to gigantic curtains ready to smother me, I was able to read his words on my laptop screen, which helped me weather them.
That said the excruciating pain experienced after each surgery scares me too. The inability to have control over my body drives me nuts as well. I cannot get up into my wheelchair when I want to, trapped in a strange bed, and very dependent on the hospital staffs, who are not always fond of total-care patients.
So you see the surgery itself has no power over me. However, what follows tethers me, which makes each day drag on forever, as I wait for the news about another looming surgery – my seventeenth since 2009.
On top of this, my doctor still has to decide whether or not I am a candidate for another operation anyway. I will know more in a few weeks after a gamut of tests.
As a dear friend told me years back, the decision to live or die is not mine to make. But it would be nice if I could weigh in on this decision.
“The hardest part about accepting the saying everything happens for a reason is waiting for that reason to come along.” Anonymous
“This too shall pass like every night that’s come before it. He’ll never give you more than you can bear; this too shall pass. So in this thought you’d be comforted for it’s in His Hands. This too shall pass” Yolanda Adams