Dealing with Disability

Post #31 – Life Threatening News, Self-Blame, Dreams, Hope

Last Wednesday, August 12th, during a routine ultrasound, the technician discovered that my stomach has shifted to my left side under my rib cage and is retaining fluid, so after she called the ordering physician, he sent me to ER. The attending doctor admitted me to the hospital but my primary card doctor discharged me the next day. Because of my complicated my condition, I am safer at home on my specialty wound mattress than in the hospital.

bad news 2

Then, yesterday, I received crushing news from two of my specialists. A culture taken in the hospital revealed that I have a somewhat drug-resistant, life-threatening infection known as pseudomonas. Also, a pressure wound at the base of my spine that I have battled with since 2003 deepened after spending nearly nine hours on an ER gurney last Wednesday.

So, I have to see with my gastroenterologist, wound doctor, and urologist next week.

My wound doctor fears that I will develop osteomyelitis (an infection in my spinal cord), again. I spent nine months in a nursing home in 2004 with this infection and received over 200 IV and oral antibiotics before the doctors could get it under control.

It remains dormant in your body until a crisis causes it to flare up and requires IV antibiotic infusions for six weeks. For me, that means an extended hospital stay.

That said, I view this as an uninvited bump in my long, winding road. A friend of mine put it this way: “I always assume you’re a bemused spectator to this circus of insanity – blaming anyone is pointless.”

self blame black bg

He is right. Blame is pointless. I tend to blame myself more than I do others, including my abusers. How odd is that? Anyhow, it is not as if God was unaware of these curve balls thrown my way. I certainly never understand why a loving God allows suffering . . . Most likely, I never will.

Choices. I have mulled over these latest developments. Will I ever walk again? No. So how bad could it be. I will update in a couple of weeks after I see my doctors.

A war rages on inside my mind: logic vs. emotion, reality vs. dreams. Another dear friend warned me not to live in the assumption that the life I dreamed of has ended. It has not. I am simply at another crossroads and must deal with it.

questions in my mind 3

My friends help keep me grounded and out of the well of wallow. I found these encouraging words one morning a few years ago in an offline Yahoo message:

“You have made so much of so little and gathered so much happiness from a well of sadness. It keeps you going and makes your life worth living in your own opinion. Those who know you and love you think you are worth more than it is possible to describe. So lean on those who love you and those who disappear in your time of need are not worth knowing.”

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…we must do that which we think we cannot.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Categories: Dealing with Disability

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2 replies »

  1. Nancy, I am away because of work for weeks at a time and just read your blog. I had no idea you had gone thru so much since I had seen you last so many years ago. But when I think of you I can always see that beautiful smile- every single time I saw you – there it was! I always tell people my home is in heaven and that is where my retirement is. I send all I can ahead of me for that day. I would rather sacrifice today for a brighter retirement. I don’t mean to say anything about your situation because I have no idea what you must be going thru or all the pain you have experienced but I do know one thing. Any suffering that we experience in this life where we glorify God will not be in vain. You cannot out give God. One particularly bad time in my life I was complaining inside- Not to anyone else but just inside and I realized I was anything other than a sweet smelling savor to my precious savior and I did not want to be that way so I asked Him to change my heart and make my attitude a sweet smelling savor and He did. The good news is that I got to smell it on the way up! Sometimes life is so very difficult but we must guard our thoughts lest the enemy gain entrance and steal our opportunity to glorify Him. We have no control sometimes over our circumstances but only in the way we choose to deal with them.
    I know you love Him so. I do pray for His strength for you. Love you dear friend.
    Lori Barnes


    • Hi Lori! So nice to hear from you. Thank you for your beautiful words. It is His strength and joy that give me the ability to smile. Suffering is a sweet mystery, not to say that it’s pleasant or that I enjoy it. I don’t, but I have gained much more than I’ve lost in my journey and can honestly say I wouldn’t trade my life with anyone else. Bless you my darling friend, love you! Nancy


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