Forgiveness – A new kind of healing has begun within me. I feel it. I’m not as overly sensitive to innocent remarks that spurred triggers. Also, even when blindsided now, nothing shakes my faith. I’m able to trust in the God I cannot see, the one I cannot prove exists. But, the exquisite peace and beauty I experienced during each near-death event proved to me that Heaven exists. It might sound crazy, but I spoke to Him and He spoke to me.
Just this year in June 2015, my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 as the nurses were lifting me from the bed and into my wheelchair. The doctor had discharged me after a two-day stay. Michael and my CNA Vicki were in my hospital room when this happened. Vicki told me my lips turned blue and that a doctor and nurses rushed into the room, trying to revive me.
All I remember was a sense of exquisite bliss, nothing new for me during one of these events. I was present elsewhere, smiling and overjoyed and clearly remember saying “Are you taking me now? Is it finally time?” Then I suddenly woke up, back in the hospital bed, feeling disappointed until I saw Michael’s frightened expression. Convinced God had his reasons, I joked about it, trying to bring a smile to his face. But, II still wondered why God left me on this earth.
After I watched the movie Unbroken, I gained a new understanding. Forgiveness freed me from the prison of horrific memories and gave me power over my abusers. Forgiving them evoked pity, causing me to ponder. What horrors did my abusers suffer that made them so cold-hearted?