Personal secrets

Post #150 – Confessional – Personal Secrets

depressed girl with happy mask

I cannot sleep without my head and eyes completely covered by a black satin sheet. I pull the blanket up to my chin. My mouth barely shows (says my husband and aid). I have claustrophobia, but I have always felt safe under my covers. I believe that if no one can see me, then they cannot hurt me – a side effect of my PTSD warzone.

Insomnia plagues me, even after I take my sleeping pill. I suffer from hope, despair, hope, despair. These thoughts battle with my wish simply to rest.

I have sleep apnea which exhausts me as soon as I wake up.

My daily medical routines wear me out. I tire of my total dependence upon others. It burdens them, and it burdens me. Freedom is a foreign word to me.

Worse, I am a terrified perfectionist; drilled into me by my mother. Her ghost haunts me. If I put a pot in the wrong place, her voice chastises me from the grave.

I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing to my caregivers. I fear to lose them, so I walk on glass much of the time. Without them, I cannot eat, brush my teeth, wash my face, or bathe. If I have a craving for a particular food at an odd hour, I go without as disturbing my caregiver sometimes annoys him.

How I wish I could get out of bed whenever I want. But, I can neither get in or out without help. Frustration sets in as I struggle to stay positive while confined to bed.

Spilling my tears onto my laptop’s screen, as I “vomit” all my traumas here. It relieves me.


16 replies »

  1. I know it is not quite the same but here in these worlds of words, you are more free than many who cannot bring themselves out of the mires of ignorance and apathy. It gladdens me that you have a place to find your relief. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Alexis. I bought your book. I read last until my eyes burned. I have two friends whose parents were in Pedophile cults. Your bravery through your horrific suffering astounds me. I am confused about one thing. Were you married after the soldier incident?

      Liked by 1 person

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