Seems like I’m trapped on a never-ending roller coaster ride; never liked them as a kid; terrified me so much, I always threw-up.
Yesterday, I received a devastating email that sent me spiraling into a well of depression.
How I’d love to escape – go for a dreamy, care-free drive through a verdant countryside or – take a leisurely stroll on a sun-kissed beach, listen to the seagulls song, hear gushing waves crash against jagged rocks – sink my feet into squishy, golden grains of sand, and let the salt from a rush of sea spray tickle my tongue.
But, I can’t.
Chained to my bed with deadened legs, I’m unable to move. So, when I’m hit with bad news or in stress-overload, I’ve nowhere to escape but into my mind. Often, like today, I simply shut down; listen to depressing music and hide my head under my covers for hours – one of my safe places.
Other times, I rebel against the sadness; blast tunes on media player from my laptop, close my eyes, and dance in my bed until the misery fades away.
I search for God during those dark moments and cannot find Him. I run through a spinning maze in my head, which has no road signs, and lose my way.
Then, suddenly, I’m enlivened. An intangible joy pushes it way through my gloom and a force outside of myself strengthens me once more. Even when I try to resist, that joy and strength overpower me in an inexplicably beautiful way.
I’m myself again. The little girl inside is comforted and I’m able to press on. Hence, this post – And so I do.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words And never stops — at all….” ~ Emily Dickinson