I get so excited when the school bell rings on Friday afternoons. It means two days of freedom: playing tag with my friends, watching Saturday morning cartoons, shopping with Mommy at the grocery store. After breakfast, I ask Mommy if I can go outside and play with my friends, just like always. […]
My Blog: A Potpourri of living life, paralyzed and confined to a bed, how I got this way, how I cope, and my perspectives. I am also a CSA, rape, and human trafficking survivor.
Some call me “Wildflower” because … I … survive … the sights that I see when I venture out, the joy of breathing fresh air, of reading and viewing for which I am grateful, yet I prefer my solace – Scorpio hidden in the universe amid twelve grandchildren and the story of humanity, self-deprecating and struggling with self-esteem and what people say; but there are always sea-foam green, teal, lavender, and yellow Brie, dark chocolate, cherries and the Mediterranean: people ask me for my recipes; I travel virtually and survive wildlife and crime to help fellow victims; I am the Witness, I am the Sentinel: welcome to my musings!
So often, I judge myself by how I think others see me because so many abusers trashed my self-worth, causing a self-hatred to fester inside of me. Many people, innocently or vindictively, reinforced the view I had of myself. Reflections from cracked mirrors are never pleasant and sometimes […]
Up until a few months ago, although mainly confined to bed, Getting up to cook, wash my hair or shop happened only on days that I have a doctor appointment – real luxuries for me. However, my medical situation has worsened quite a bit. Now, getting out of bed can […]
When I was fifty-eight, sixteen years after Tropical Spastic Paraparesis paralyzed my legs among causing other painful symptoms, and confined for the most part to bed, I became suicidal. I could not endure another waking hour of suffering or another hellish nightmare invading my sleep. Deeply depressed at […]
LIVING DEAD GIRL Alone in the apartment prison, I didn’t know how many days had passed with no sign of my abductors. The wall had no clock. There was no phone, and Shane had bolted the front door and sealed the windows shut. I wondered if I’d be […]
I used to get so excited when the school bell rang afternoons. It meant running home and heading to Andover Park to claim a swing – until an older boy named John invaded my life. John spotted Mom and her mechanic, Danny, riding alone in her car. John, […]
On November 24, 2003, three days before Thanksgiving, an ambulance rushed me to Johns Hopkins Hospital emergency room with a 104.5 ° fever. I vaguely heard a whir of voices, and felt the ice cubes as they hit my body; but it was as if I was a spectator. […]
It has been three years since I broke my left hip at the femoral neck. My life changed radically that day. Due to a blood clot the full length of the femoral vein in my thigh that occurred during surgery, my doctors not only confined me to bed, but […]
Last Wednesday, August 12th, during a routine ultrasound, the technician discovered that my stomach has shifted to my left side under my rib cage and is retaining fluid, so after she called the ordering physician, he sent me to ER. The attending doctor admitted me to the hospital […]
For an instant after I wake up each morning, my bedridden condition reminds me of the horrors of my past, until someone opens my window blinds. The sun bursts into my room with no apologies. Each sunrise promises me a new day filled with infinite possibilities. My situation, naturally, […]